How do trees use the internet? They ‘log’ on!
I got fired from my job in the bank today. Someone asked me to check their balance so I tried to push them over
My grandad starting walking 5 kilometres a day when he was 60. Now he’s 80 and we’ve no idea where he is
Dad shouted “Why aren’t you listening to me”. I thought that’s a strange way to start a conversation!
What do you call a deer with no eyes??? No I deer
What about a deer with no eyes or legs??? Still, no I deer
I asked my local librarian if there were any books about turtles.
“Hardback” they asked.
“Yes, with a small head and short legs” I replied
Daddy, did I get my intelligence from you?”
” That’s right, my clever child”
“That makes sense because Mum still has hers”
When are teachers like cheese? When they are grating
– Why did the thermometer go back to college? It wanted to get another degree
– Who’s there?
– I am
– I am who?
– You don’t know who you are ?????
My brother was just sent to jail. He was very upset, started yelling insults, tried to hit everyone and threw anything he could get his hands on across the room.
I’m never playing Monopoly with him again
At Good Friday mass the priest says to Sean “It’s good to see you’re part of the Army of the Lord”
Sean says “sure Father, I play a very active part”
The priest says “then the Army of the Lord need to see you more than just Christmas and Easter”
“I’m in the Secret Service Father”
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
I asked why there was an elephant in the room but nobody would talk about it !
“I ate a frozen apple … it was hard core”
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot
Bank robber points a gun at the teller and says “Give me all the money or you’re geography”
The puzzled teller replies “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?”
The robber says “Don’t change the subject!”
What happens when you boil a funny bone? You get laughing stock !
Why are mountains funny? Because they’re hill-areas !
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta !
Mum I don’t want to go to school today
– Come on now son, you need to get up and go
– But Mum, I hate all the teachers and some kids don’t like me. That’s 2 reasons why I don’t want to go.
– And here’s 2 reasons you should, you’re 48 and you’re the headmaster!
A snail enters a police station and tells the officer “Two turtles just beat me up and stole all my money”
The officer replies “That’s terrible, did you get a good look at them?”
“No” replied the snail “it all happened so fast”
Why should you get a dog if you also have a teenager?
So someone in the house is happy to see you
How many teenagers does it take to refill the toilet roll holder?
No one knows as its never happened
A lorry load of tortoises has crashed into a train transporting terrapins.
Its a turtle disaster
Dad, if a bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops, is that why you have a work station???
Whoever invented the Knock, Knock joke should really get an award…..
Like the ‘No-Bell’ prize
Who tells the funniest jokes on the farm? The Comedi-hen
Why was the Easter Bunny upset? He was having a bad hare day
Did you hear about the peanuts walking through a bad part of town?
One was a salted!
When the council announced an Anti-Graffiti Campaign you could tell the writing was on the wall
It wasn’t the first time the chimney sweep had created a dust cloud in my sitting room. I told him we’d have to clear the air.
Last night I dreamt about walking across a sandy beach
This morning I was able to explain the footprints in the cat litter
At work this morning the boss told me to have a good day
So I went home
I’ve just broke my personal best in a 100 metre sprint
I got to 33 metres
They threw me out of the cinema for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high plus I haven’t had a barbecue in ages
“I don’t think the fox did much damage” said the farmer.
“Don’t count your chickens” I advised
“Boss, I know that business isn’t great but I have 3 other big companies after me so I would like a pay rise”
After haggling the Boss agrees to a 20% raise.
“By the way” asks the Boss “which 3 companies are after you?”
“The Electric, The Gas and the Phone, I haven’t paid them”
I went to the Zoo and saw a baguette in one of the enclosures. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity Smiling face with open mouth
Robin: Batman, I’ve just been in the Batcave and the Batmobile isn’t starting.
Batman: Check the battery
Robin: What’s a tery???
Did you hear about the man who cut his left side off?
He’s all right now
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere
Did you hear about the kidnapping?
It’s ok, the kid woke up
I didn’t want to believe that my Road Worker Dad was stealing from work but when I got home, all the signs were there
For a while Houdini used a trap door in every trick he did. It was a stage he was going through
What’s the worst kind of nails to hammer in carpentry?
A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. Personally I try not to form such an emotional bond
Conor – “Where were you born?”
Darragh – “Dublin”
Conor – “Which part”
Darragh – “All of me!”
I told Dad he was being immature. He told me to get out of his fort
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You do need a parachute to go skydiving twice
My Grandad has the heart of a lion.
He also has a lifetime ban from the zoo
Dad said I ruined his birthday. How could I, I didn’t even know it was his birthday
Which hand is better to write with. Neither, it’s better to write with a pen
The new Chelsea face masks are being recalled. They offer no defence and are a choking hazard
I just got an hyena as a pet. It’s really ugly but at least it laughs at all my jokes
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Dad won Dentist of the Year.
He got a little plaque.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Dad had an accident in the furniture factory and fell into the upholstery machine.
What do you call a hen staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad
A baby snake asked it’s mum, “Are we poisonous?” The mother snake responded, “Yes honey, but why do you want to know?” The baby snake responded, “Because I just bit my lip…”
I didn’t think that Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I got home, all the signs were there
Innkeeper – The room is €100 per night but only €50 if you make your own bed
Guest – I’ll make my own bed then so
Innkeeper – Great, I’ll get the wood and nail
Conor: would you be the sun in my world?
Me: of course
Conor: great, then stay 90 million miles away
I went to the 24hr shop to find the shopkeeper locking up.
“Hey, you’re supposed to be open 24 hours” I said
“We are” said the shopkeeper “just not in a row”
Conor: I’ve just switched all the labels on the herbs and spices in the kitchen.
Darragh: Do you think Dad will notice?
Conor: Not yet, but I think the thyme is cumin
I failed my driving test today.
The instructor asked me, “What do you do at a red light?”
I said, “I usually check WhatsApp and see what people are up to on Twitter.”
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around
I broke my finger.
On the other hand I’m okay.
I tried to catch fog yesterday.
What did the horse say when it fell down?
Help ! I can’t giddy up
How do you know if there is an ‘Influencer’ at your party.
They’ll tell you
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Dad, is it true that parents use twice as many words as children?”
“Yes Conor it is, but only because we have to tell ye everything twice”
“Conor, your new shoes will probably be tight for the first 3 or 4 weeks”
“ Don’t worry Dad, I won’t wear them until next month then so”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach. I did and now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 3″
What do you get if you cross a shark with a cow?
Honestly I don’t know but I wouldn’t try milking it
I got really emotional when Conor came up and gave me a huge big hug unexpectedly.
That was until I heard him say to Darragh, “you’re right, he has put on weight”
What do you get when you cross a bunny rabbit and a hungry lion?
Just a lion
Dad, there’s a man at the door collecting for the nursing home.
Great, tell him we’ll have grandad out to him in a minute.
Two farmers are walking down a road when they’re passed by a headless biker.
After a while they are passed by a headless cyclist.
Strange but they walk on for a bit until one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”
Doc: Ready to know your health results?
Me: I’m dying to know.
Doc: Well, funny you should say that.
I asked the stewardess to switch my seat on a plane as I was right next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that’s not something they let you do when the baby is your own.
”It looks like rain” I said as I looked out the window whilst at work, “only it looks way more than rain”
“Come away from the window ya eejit“ said my submarine captain
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my allotment.
The plot thickens
In the past no one dared speak about plastic surgery. Now if you mention Botox, no one raises an eyebrow
My neighbour rang on my doorbell at 3am this morning. Can you believe that???
Fortunately I was still up playing the drums.
How is it that your brain can remember that you’ve forgotten something but not what you forgot
Doctor: Based on your health test, I’ll give you 2 months to live.
Me: I’ll go with March and December as I like St Patrick’s Day and Christmas
My mother told me not to waste my time making a car from spaghetti.
You should have seen her surprise when I drove pasta
We had a Health & Safety meeting today to review the steps I would take in the event of a fire.
Seemingly ‘great big huge steps’ is not the correct answer
Enter new password
Password must contain a capital
What do you do if you get attacked by a circus troupe?
You go for the Juggler
So Conor, how many of Darragh’s sweets did you eat?
Conor – “Only 3”
Well that’s 3 days that Darragh gets to choose what you both watch on telly
Darragh – “He also ate my Hundreds and Thousands”
Mother: Why aren’t you talking to your best friend anymore?
Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is mean, uses bad language and who doesn’t care about anyone else.
Mother: Of course not!
Son: Well neither would he.
Conor couldn’t decide if he wanted to be a barber or a short story writer.
I guess it would have been heads or tales
What do you call a bee hive with no exits???
Rubbing ketchup in my eyes was a bad idea. But that’s Heinz sight
I thought I had amnesia but then all my memories came back.
It was the Point of Know Return
My friend always says “Cheer up. It could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water”.
I know he means well
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. I can feel something bad is going to happen
The crèche has just reported a major peek-a-boo accident. All involved were taken to the I C U
Also one of the kids swallowed 8 plastic horses. His condition is stable
I fell out with a friend as he was obsessed with counting.
I wonder what he’s up to now.
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it. Just in case there’s a salad dressing
My obese parrot died recently. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. It was a Fanta Sea
I just got fired from my job as a Taxi Driver. Seemingly customers didn’t like me going the extra mile for them
Bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Bouncer: Because I don’t know who you are and it’s my trampoline.
Conor told us that alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Darragh knew he was lying as he’d only seen pictures of the them with 4 feet.